God's Plan...

Eight years, fifty-one days, and probably some hours or so, I had a plan. I was standing in a church, all dressed in white. My family and friends were seated, and the man of my dreams was waiting for me to walk down the aisle so we could start our lives together.

My plan was simple. We would say our vows, attend our reception, enjoy our very short honey-moon, and get on with the rest of our lives. Mr. C would continue on his career path, and I would eventually be a stay-at-home mother of at least three children. We would raise them to be God-loving, respectful, caring, giving individuals, and the fact that their mom stayed home with them while they grew up would be paramount to their success.

Plans can change.

Fast forward about six and a half years. I've now graduated from the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center with a degree in Radiologic Technology (which means I'm an x-ray technologist). The plan was for me to have something to fall back on should I ever have to work to support my children. At this point in time, I've been working in my field for a little over two years. Mr. C has moved up with his career, and he's very capable of providing for our family without my income. And...we have no children.

We seek assistance from a fertility specialist and undergo a round of intra uterine insemination (IUI). I remember laying on the table after the doctor walked out of the room. I took one look at Mr. C and burst into tears. This was not how our children were supposed to be conceived. This was not my plan. And, as it turns out, it wasn't God's plan either. All three rounds of IUI were unsuccessful. As well as the round of in vitro that took place the next summer (or last summer if you're keeping track).

So...last summer...what can I say? I was heart broken. I was sure that our plan was finally going to work. I was sure I was going to be able to quit my job and stay home to raise our little one. I was beginning to feel like God had abandoned us. I thought that the purpose of marriage was to have children and raise them to be Christians. I thought my purpose as a wife was to be a stay-at-home mom. How was my purpose ever going to be fulfilled if I couldn't have children, and if my husband wasn't ready to adopt?

Then came the fall. Mr. C had surgery to fix a problem that could be keeping us from getting pregnant. We have to wait until the end of this year to find out the full success of that surgery. Then...I'm presented with a job opportunity that will allow me to leave the hospital setting and become a teacher. Within a few weeks at this new job, I realize that I have received a great blessing. AND...if I had gotten pregnant over the summer, I wouldn't have experienced that blessing. So...ok God...your plan seems to be better than mine at this point. But what next?

Fast forward to today. I'm sitting in my home office with no little pitter patter of feet around me. I've begun working on my Master's degree so that in a few years I will be qualified to take the director position of my program should that be offered to me. I'm actually looking ahead at a career and not at a reason to quit my job to stay home and raise babies. What does that mean? Does it mean that I've given up? Does it mean that my other dream will never come true? I don't think so anymore.

A new dream came to mind this morning, and I think it was from Him in whose hands I've placed my future. I had an image of myself two years down the road, still working, and picking up my little one from the day care center that's on my school campus. I had an image of myself as a working mother...and it was ok. I know 'ok' sounds a little understated, but that's huge for me. It means that I can accept whatever His plan is, and I will be just fine. And...my children will be just fine and just as successful as they would have been had I stayed home with them.

I now have a job where I can work 7:30-3:15 M-F without holidays, or on-call work. I can be on the same campus as my future children, so that I don't have to drop them off at a sitter across town. I will still be the mother that I dreamed of...I will just have another part to play as well. A part that allows me to affect the lives of countless students. I feel a stronger and stronger calling towards this life as a teacher. And...that's ok.

I know this has been a long post, and for the few that read it, I would appreciate your prayers.. It's been extremely therapeutic for me to write it, but I know that I'm still holding on to that other dream...and it's going to take awhile to fully let go. I feel a strength flowing through me today, and I know it's because I am letting go of yet another part of my life that I've been trying to control. I'm giving it to Him, and I'm going to trust in God's plan.

~ Mrs. C ~